That sinking realization that you’ll “not [know] enough” is one I know all too well. When I first started my blog in late 2005, I sensed so much possibility and discovery ahead. It was a turning over a new leaf from my RT journal, which I disliked so much. For this new journal, I wanted to watch a film a day, read a book a week, and maintain a steady output of related reviews/blog entries. I realize now that I set the bar too high, and that there was only so much I could experience at once. I used to compare myself to other critics who were able to watch (and discuss at length about) so many films. I remember visiting your old film website and marvelling at your top ten lists going back into the 60s and 50s, thinking how much work I had ahead of me. I was (am!) jealous about how many books you had read, and feeling completely out of my depth talking literature with you. Remember how I desperately solicited your advice for my Woolf essay in third year? ;) (Thank you again for the help, btw.)

I guess I just need to be more realistic about my limitations in this regard; I’m not one of those people who can churn out reviews daily. Well, I suppose I could be, but I don’t think I’d being saying anything of much value. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit it, but each of my reviews takes weeks or even months to compose – not so much in the fingers-to-keyboard stage of it (I usually type the text out over one night) – but within my head. That recent “Lagaan” review has been bouncing around in there for a little over six months, and has probably been in “Drafts” for even longer! I haven’t even started thinking about what I’m going to write about next, and even having so many DVDs at hand doesn’t push me hard enough.

But back to you – I’m so glad to hear that you’ve felt inspired to start reading again, and only those titles which truly appeal to you. I myself am trying to only read/watch/experience that which appeals to me, not due to some ridiculous obligation conjured up on my part. For example, in any other fanatic awards season, I would have watched every single nominated film, but I walked out of “At World’s End”, “Charlie Wilson’s War”, “Lars and the Real Girl”, and others because they just couldn’t hold my interest for more than fifteen minutes. It’s rather liberating, I must admit!

SO… in conclusion, I am kind of excited to see what emerges out of this sabbatical. I will miss your rare-but-inspired posts for now, but hopefully this “retirement” will give you time and inspiration to return full-force.

“He emphasized the value of diversity within film criticism, using as a negative example his recent findings that among about 20 film magazines he had recently surveyed, the majority had an image of Daniel Day Lewis and There Will Be Blood on the cover. He found these tokens of hegemony lamentable (at this I couldn’t resist giving a consoling pat on the shoulder of the man seated in front of me, Richard Porton, editor of Cineaste, whose current issue has you-know-who on the cover). Martin recalled a recent exchange with Andy Rector, intrepid critic and host of the Kino Slang blog, who wondered if he had been shirking his responsibility by not covering There Will Be Blood. Martin’s response was that a critic only thing a critic needed to write was to write bravely – not necessarily to see new things, but to see things anew.”

Not to sound like an old fogey, but when I was your age I was in the midst of my two year teaching stint in China, as far removed from the American arts and entertainment matrix as one could imagine. It was perhaps the most liberating time of my life, and when I came back to the states I had a perspective on things that I could proudly recognize as unique. Sometimes you do have to just walk away from the parade if you aren’t getting much out of it or feeling like you can’t fulfill yourself as much as you want to, because you probably do have more to experience elsewhere. I’m sure I’ll hear more from you at a later point, and I look forward to seeing what life has to offer you and what you will have to offer life.

1.” I’m really allowing myself to merely be exposed to the things that interest me, and see where that eventually takes me.”

That’s what I’m doing, too. And I think that is the right thing to do.

2.” One of my resolutions for 2008: to undue my habit of watching a film or reading a book or whatever through a filter of “now what interesting thing am I going to say about this when I write my review?” I see now that such a mindset is severely limiting, and might even be robbing me of quite a bit of enjoyment I might not even realize I’m missing.”

Yeah, that’s absolutely right. Writing about a film should not lessen any enjoyment you can get from a film. I used to spend some time thinking about what I should write in my blog, but whenever I thought about that, it would distract me from any enjoyment I could get from other things I was experiencing at that moment. If I thought about my blog when I was watching a film, that thought would distract me from enjoying the film at that moment. If I thought about my blog when I was sipping coffee, that thought would distract me from really enjoying the taste of coffee. I will not let my blog or my writing preventing me from enjoying other things in life.

3.” it is impossible to expect ever reaching a place of “knowing enough,” and as a result it should never serve as a deterrent for writing”

That’s absolutely true, too.

–I don’t know how much you will write here in the near future. I just want to tell you that you should do whatever you feel happy to do. Whenever you feel happy to read, read. Whenever you feel happy to write, write. But there’s at least one thing I hope you will continue doing: whenever you experience such an indescribable joy from any film, any song, any book, or anything in your life, I hope you will let us readers know. If you don’t have time to analyze those great things you enjoy, at least I hope you make just a simple list of them. It would be very useful for us.

I would have never listened to Nina Simone or Regina Spektor if it’s not because of you, Jesse. :-)